March

My son turned one year old in early March. We had not one, but three birthday parties, plus a plane trip out of town to see his aunts.

He got his first cold a few days after his birthday. In fact, he got two colds in March, and we're dealing with the second one right now. The first one was much worse, as he had a very runny nose that obstructed his breathing while nursing. The second one is more of a cough with sore throat due to post-nasal drip. It still allows him to breathe while nursing, which is a blessing because I don't have to "hose" his nose (i.e., squirt saline up his nostrils then suck up the mucus with a bulb aspirator). I know what this second cold feels like because I have it, too. But while I can take cough medicine and drink hot water with honey and lemon to ease the symptoms, he cannot. He has been fussy and irritable and frequently night-waking this past month.

If I could wrestle a cold virus to death with my bare hands I would do it. I guess I would do that with a lot of things. I read recently that babies typically get 6-8 colds in their first two years, which builds up their immune systems. I was shocked. Since Ben didn't get his first cold until after he turned one, I guess we're in for at least four more colds this coming year. Damn. Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll just get one or two more.

While catching sick is very normal for babies, I can't help but think that our very busy schedule in March led to his colds (every weekend, we stayed overnight somewhere else for two or more days at a time). I know where we caught the colds, but keeping him inside the house all the time is not an option. Besides, it's supposed to be good for his immune system. Now that I think about it, I don't know how he managed to elude cold viruses last year since we did go out and do things, and we hung out quite a bit with a friend whose two young children got colds regularly. Perhaps the antibodies he receives through breast milk are no longer enough.

We are in for another very busy month this April, and I hope we can stay healthy for a while after this cold is done. Is it really April already? What else have I done since January? I don't think I meant for this post to be strictly about the baby (well, almost toddler) and his colds. If I remember later, maybe I'll blog about it.

2009

My first post of 2009. Well.

First, happy new year to all. Did you watch the inauguration of America's 44th President Barack Obama? I wasn't lucky enough to have been on the Mall that day in Washington, D.C., but I still get electric chills when I think about the fact that he is truly our president. It feels like the axis of my world has shifted. In his first week of office he has already un/done so much that needed to be un/done.

At the same time, the world is the same, even getting worse. Israel is bombing Gaza, and babies are dying (warning: graphic images), part of "collateral damage."* People are going crazy over stock losses, one man to the point of decapitating an innocent woman. It's a different kind of chill that I feel when I think of these.

In my house and among my families, we are surviving well, for which I am intensely grateful. There are so many who are less fortunate, many in my own town. I meet them at the park, when we let our babies play with one another. I hear and read about job losses everyday, about people who have lost or are losing their homes, and, more personally, about new teaching jobs being canceled. And so on.

Yet I also hear about how much hope many hold for the coming months, especially when our government finally has someone determined to lead us out of these crises. Finally. At least my family are not on the verge of starving or of losing our home. We do what we can to help others, and we hunker down and we wait.

____________
* I know that a ceasefire was called last week, before Obama's inauguration, but I am so afraid that it will not last long.

Yes we can. Now let's get to work.

I have been holding an election-night vigil since 3pm PST. I cried when the networks projected Obama-Biden's win tonight and felt vindicated when it became clear that it would be a landslide. I was envious seeing on TV all the people in the streets, celebrating. The massive crowd in Grant Park, Chicago, looked amazing. I got goosebumps when the beautiful First Family-elect came on the stage, and the electric feeling lasted during Barack Obama's sober but hope-filled speech. I hugged the dh and the baby multiple times, and I had the urge to congratulate ourselves multiple times. And how awesome is it that Michelle Obama will be our First Lady?

During the presidential race, I started to feel like a patriot, in a way I'd never felt before. With Obama's success, I feel like a born-again American. I feel proud to be an American. We chose hope over fear. I hope this feeling lasts.

[image taken from the Express Milwaukee]

Some thoughts on election campaign 2008

I forgot to write in my last post one of the biggest reasons I have such high anxiety over the election: the anger and disappointment over the dirty, dirty campaign that McCain and Palin have been running. If they win next week, then it will be a justification of the politics of fear- and hate-mongering that led us into Iraq in the first place and allowed W Bush to regain the White House in 2004, and it will actually make me more afraid of a world war in the foreseeable future.

During this political season, especially since September, I have been glued to the 24-hour cable news channels MSNBC and CNN (never Faux News, yechhh). I read online news articles and love The Huffington Post (because it's openly liberal, I don't burst a vein trying to find out what's on the menu for each daily news cycle). I even started to read through the weekly magazines that we subscribe to in this house, Newsweek and the New Yorker. We watched both party national conventions and all of the debates on TV, something that we simply had no interest in doing four years ago. Part of it is that I have a child now, and frankly that changed everything; I think and worry about his future all the time, and I make decisions now with him foremost in mind. But another part is that I am truly excited about Barack Obama's candidacy. A brilliant, intellectual man in the White House, with an equally brilliant and articulate spouse at his side, and a slew of knowledgeable and highly-respected advisers on the economy, foreign policy, and healthcare? It will be, finally, after eight long years, a breath of fresh air come the morning of Nov. 5, if Obama wins the presidency.

I won't lie and say that the fact that he is black has nothing to do with my excitement. In many ways I feel like I have a personal investment in Obama's bid for the presidency and I even like to see myself in him sometimes, in his struggles to succeed despite the odds stacked against him for being a person of color. He has had to be virtually flawless in order for many Americans to even consider voting for him. I myself feel this kind of pressure as I move towards my chosen career; as I know from personal experience, there's little that makes a woman of color feel as helpless and angry as sitting in front of a panel of white academic gatekeepers (all male but one) who cast aspersions on her for doing the work she does for her community.

Meanwhile, McCain has stumbled and lurched* (I love that word, thanks Joe Biden) around from position to position on the economy, and from one false, misleading accusation to another against Obama, while barely talking up his plan for this country, for me and my family. He also has to bear the unwelcome brunt of being of the same party as a sharply, painfully unpopular outgoing president. Finally, his running mate continues to sink in the polls in terms of her favorability; people have serious misgivings about her abilities given her plainly awful performances in her interviews. And the more I learn about how she rose to power in Alaska, the more I see Sarah Palin as an opportunist and political mercenary. From Jake Tapper: "Palin has a reputation for making friends who can help her and then screwing them over."

Yet, incredibly, the polls are close. And McCain, still confident in the face of trailing in said polls, might yet have some new, game-changing scam up his sleeve that he plans to pull out in the next few days. Rachel Maddow on MSNBC tonight needed talking down at the news that all the public national polls just might be wrong: "Low turnout so far [in early voting] among young voters and new voters is exciting the McCain campaign? Have Obama's tires sprung a slow, invisible leak?" Oh god, please no.

I watched the Obama infomercial on TV earlier this evening, and I was really impressed by how well made it was. It was also moving, and I had a tear in my eye several times while hearing the personal stories, including the one about Obama's mother dying of cancer and having to deal with the insurance companies. As someone who also lost a pre-senior parent to cancer, I feel for him, and I am now very thankful that we didn't have to worry about wrangling with insurance issues. My critical, analytical eye also noticed the kinds of symbols used in the film -- the kitchen table, for instance -- and noted how meticulously he comported himself and how calm his voice sounded. There was also the...how to say it...sterile warmth of the study he was in, that some pundits have described as "Oval Office"-like. Knowing that the film was targeted towards those still undecided, I immediately thought that he was trying to seem as soothing as possible, because as a black man in this country, he has to actually work to construct his image against the sinister, debilitating stereotype of the threatening black man. He was trying to soothe racial fears. Sadly, in this country he has to. And I sincerely hope that, for the undecided voters who watched (as they should have if they truly want to make a decision), the film firmly and incontrovertibly belied the "caricatured monster," paraphrasing someone on MSNBC tonight, that he has been painted as by the McCain-Palin campaign.

Lastly, my caveat: I don't expect Barack Obama to "save the planet" like Superman, as he joked during the Al Smith charity dinner this month. In fact, given my personal insight on what he has to go through as a person of color and given the serious, frightening challenges the next president faces, it would be unreasonable and unfair of me to have such expectations. But I do feel strongly that he will be a better leader, and I am amazed already at how much he has inspired millions of regular people like me to contribute to his campaign in some way by framing our contributions as investments in our future. I finally feel that regular people will have a real say in the way this country works. That is one of the things that struck me about the respective rhetoric of the two campaigns in this race: McCain talks the Republican talk of less government intervention and more self-accountability, but in the debates and his stump speeches he is always saying, "I know how to do this, I know how to do that, let me do this for the American people." It's almost as if he's saying that he will be Superman and save the planet as well as, miraculously, balance the budget and get us out of this recession while giving billions more in tax cuts to big corporations and the wealthiest Americans and paying off banks for $300 billion in order to renegotiate troubled homeowners' mortgages. Right. Conversely, Obama, while of the political party that supposedly wants government to do everything for people, has built an excited grass-roots base by asking people to work with him and have a personal stake in the new direction of the country. How else to explain the 3.1 million donors (with an average of less than $100 donation per person) and the 5 million campaign volunteers? Howard Fineman warns that these supporters, of whom I am one, might become an unwieldy force since they "have high expectations, and they may expect to have a voice in governing," but I am happy to see what happens in an Obama presidency. Like Jon Stewart joked a couple of months ago on his show, I expect to be disappointed by Obama in some way if he becomes elected president; there is no way, given the current crises and the country's now-severely-restricted resources, that the new president will be able to effect a miracle, particularly in just four years. That's why I am so skeptical of McCain and his broad promises. Again, despite his argument that Obama is all about rhetoric and no substance, McCain is the one who offers only broad strokes without detail. I believe that Obama's proposals are part of a long-term vision for the country, and I want us to get there someday.

_______________________
* When I was in my early twenties, one of my toughest, smartest professors once scolded me for ageism. We were talking in class about how unfair it was that female news anchors on TV were forced out of their jobs once they got to a certain age. My admittedly glib response was to say that male news anchors like Hal Fishman (rest in peace) should be subject to the same discrimination. My professor said, sharply, "How about the other way around, allowing women to continue as anchors as they got older, just like the men?" She was absolutely right, and, thoroughly chastised, I have never forgotten it. So when I say "lurch" I don't mean at all to imply that McCain's age has made him unstable. I really think it an apt description of how awkwardly he has moved through different positions on the economic crisis.

One more week

The presidential election is just one week away. OMG. I need to ramble to get the anxiety out of my system, however temporarily. I almost wish it were over; I'm biting my nails already and grinding my teeth to nubs. I have already voted absentee and figure that Obama will win California. The polls better be accurate. Not all of them can be wrong, right? But I am so scared that people's votes for Obama will somehow get challenged or thrown out. This country really needs to reform its voting process and to enact and enforce more stringent laws against voter suppression. Also, no more secret ballot-counting!! I told the dh that if Obama ends up losing, especially by only a few votes, then people might decide to take to the streets in protest. It just seems impossible that all the polling and all the millions of new Democratic voter registrations across the country and all the enthusiasm and volunteering for the Obama campaign would translate to not enough votes. The polls that show Obama in the lead don't even include students, the majority of whom are for Obama, because they don't have landlines.

In other news, my laptop is broken again, so I can't post any baby photos because they're being held hostage by my laptop. (And it's too bad 'cause he's so cute!) I'm now on a borrowed computer. This is the second time this year. In January my hard drive failed, and I think this time around it's the video card. My wireless was broken, too. I guess I'm really hard on my laptop, but I don't know what I'm doing that other people aren't doing to their laptops. It's meant to be transported everywhere, isn't it? I'm thinking of replacing it with one of those heavy-duty ones that firefighters and Doctors without Borders carry around. But then again I really want to stay with Macs. Gah.

I made falafel for the first time last night and cooked it today for lunch. I bought a little food processor just so I could make it. Unfortunately I made the falafel too bready -- I used too much flour trying to get the dough less sticky. Dang it. But at least now I know what to do next time. And the flavor is still good (parsley makes such a big difference in food); I just add a little extra eggplant hummus and tomato chunks, and PRESTO.

Finally, my cold is pretty much gone, and the baby managed to avoid getting it from me. Thank god. One disaster averted. I hope we can avert another one next week.

Tripping

It's been very busy around here for the past few weeks. I went on that trip to Reno to present at a conference and brought the dh and baby. The long, long drives back and forth were...long. We managed them with far less trouble than we expected (the baby was a good traveler). Unfortunately, Reno is Reno, and the hotel where we stayed was pretty dismal. We did manage to make a short day-trip to see Lake Tahoe, but it was surprisingly cold; it even snowed a bit that day. Thank goodness for friends, who made the stay more than bearable. The conference was good for me, too. My panel also surprised us with how well our projects dovetailed with one another given that it was a rather random collection of papers in the first place (which is apparently the norm for this conference). Some book editor even approached us afterward with her card and asked us to consider sending our dissertation manuscripts to her when we were done, but bade us to make sure not to rush at the expense of quality. Hah -- I'll probably never talk to her again.

Last weekend was better. We went to the beach -- baby's second time ever -- for a last hurrah to celebrate the passing of summer. Given that this is Southern California, we expected sun even though it was well into October. The gods did oblige with the brightest day ever, but it was quite cold with the winds. The baby's first time at the beach was also marked by cold winds. Ah well. Here's the gorgeous little one, happy to be out and about:

By the way, he has started to crawl! He was crawling towards me as I took this photo. The crawl is more like a modified snake dance at this point, but I bet pretty soon he will be able to move his hands one by one in coordination with his strong chubby legs. He sure ends up in the downward-facing-dog position a lot.

The day after the beach, we made a trip to a large-ish pumpkin patch/farm 35 miles away with a friend and her young kids. There were too many other people there and the baby was clearly not ready for any of the pony rides (which, incidentally, made me sad to watch; I don't believe the ponies enjoy being tethered that way -- or at all?). All the dh and I could really do was look for a couple of pumpkins to buy and for photo opportunities on the giant pumpkins. But our friend had a toddler who was old enough to take advantage of all the other stuff and so of course we stayed with them while the toddler did her thing. I think the best part may have been going to In-N-Out afterward; I was starving for some animal-style cheeseburger.

With all of the traveling and stress, perhaps it is no surprise that I was sick this past week. Save for two days of dizzy headache around Labor Day weekend, I have not had a cold or other non-pregnancy-related illness in over a year. Maybe it has even been two years. I believe I caught this from the dh, but mine was worse than his. I feel much better now that the sore throat has broken, and I hope that this marks the beginning of the end of it. I also hope that the baby will avoid becoming ill (lord I do not want to deal with a sore-throated, stuffy-nosed baby, but I guess I will have to count my blessings that he was able to last over 7 months without getting sick).

This weekend: rest, clean house, maybe bathe the cat (who hasn't had a bath since months before the baby arrived), and usher in the fall season by preparing for Halloween next Friday.

Jumping back in

I don't even remember why I haven't been posting except maybe I just fell out of the habit. Actually, one reason for that is probably that I have been doing actual work. This week I am going to present at my first conference in almost two years. The last real academic thing I did was a dissertation workshop. Or meeting with my committee to get my prospectus approved and signed. It's all so blurry now.

Another reason for the lack of posting is that the rest of my baby-free time has been spent reading and watching political news and debates (just look at my Delicious links on the right). And also freaking out about national economic crises and getting mad at the way gender and race have been so cynically handled by the presidential campaigns (worse offenders being McCain and Palin, to the nth degree). Everything now makes me worry about the baby's future. SO VOTE OBAMA IN NOVEMBER!! We filled out our absentee/mail-in ballot applications. We're voting early to lock in our two votes for Obama and Biden.

By the way, I must say that Biden reassured me during his debate with Palin. Just by his performance, he made it clear to me that she is simply not ready to be so close to the presidency -- not that I would ever consider voting for someone who doesn't truly believe in women's human rights (um, making women pay for their own rape kits, WTF?). Also, it made me clap when Biden talked about how men can be good parents too. Motherhood shouldn't be so fetishized in this campaign; I mean, simply being a mother doesn't make you MORE qualified to be the freaking vice-president, although it's awesome to see women in power who are also mothers.

Speaking of motherhood, I have several ideas for posts that I have on the back burner including one or two about motherhood vis-à-vis being Pinay and an academic (or more broadly a career-minded woman). Many of my ideas are swirling around with thoughts about the presidential campaigns, for obvious reasons. I don't know if I'll ever write them, but I think I should because I might stumble upon important personal insights as I write. Maybe I'll just save it up for my future memoir. Haha.

Anyway, time to feed the baby again. Hopefully more later, if I feel comfortable with disjointed posts like this.

P.S. Baby is now 7 months old! Can you believe it? And yup, he's hit 20 pounds already.

More of ma baby

Baby BG is now 4 months old. I can't believe how big he is now. He hit 17 pounds almost two weeks ago. He's able to raise his chest supported by his arms during tummy time, sit propped up on cushions or slumped over his huge thighs, bear most of his weight on his legs while holding on to our hands, and grab at things in front of him. He also laughs when tickled and kissed and seems to be talking to us constantly. We are still not sleeping through the night, but there have been occasional full nights of sleep in the past month. Here is my gorgeous guy in photos:

At 3 months (with Stella the cat caught in the shot):


3.5 months (the diva look):


16 weeks (life is good, apparently):


4 months (just gorgeous, and so happy!):

More "outrage"

Ver and others have pointed out the outrageous exchange between American President Bush and Philippine President Arroyo wherein Bush praises Filipino Americans by referring to his cooks. Actually, I don't even know why I'm calling it "outrageous." That man is loathesome, to be sure, but I'm no longer truly shocked by anything he has to say, by any more gaffes that show his deep-seated racism and sexism. (Like mother like son?) To think that it is ever okay to say such a thing in the context of diplomatic relations, and to another head of state no less, also smacks of real idiocy, not to mention ignorance.

But he is not the only one to be faulted. How did Arroyo respond? She -- that panderer to U.S. interests and human rights violator of Filipino people -- just laughed with the rest and said, "Yes." Even worse, why was she in the U.S. when the Philippines has just gone through the devastation of a huge typhoon? She really does seem to want to emulate the Bush administration.

Here is Dr. Carol P. Araullo's take on Arroyo:

De facto president Gloria Arroyo’s visit to the United States amidst national tragedy wrought by Typhoon Frank shows she is more interested in her own survival than that of hundreds of thousands of Filipino families directly and indirectly affected by the calamity and that she considers the support of the US more important than the support of the Filipino people.

What is it in Mrs. Gloria Arroyo’s so-called working visit to the US that is so important that she could not put off the trip in light of the devastation in many provinces not to mention the sinking of the ferry MV Princess of the Stars with hundreds dead or missing and still unaccounted for?

The height of the visit was a 35-minute audience of Mrs. Arroyo with US President Bush wherein the two “reaffirmed … the close cooperation between the Philippines and the United States on food security, defense and economic development”.

What was that exactly?

According to the Malacanang press release, Mr. Bush expressed his condolences to the families of the victims of the sea tragedy and announced the sending of the aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan “and other naval assets” to help in the retrieval and rescue operations. He also lauded Mrs. Arroyo for her “strong position against terrorism.” Mr. Bush promised “food aid to help the Philippines with its rice supply problems”. He and Mrs. Arroyo took up “(their) mutual desire to advance … bilaterally and multilaterally in trade agendas.” For her part Mrs. Arroyo used the occasion to underscore that Philippine-US relations were “strong and healthy” and the two governments were working together “to establish a progressive Philippines, the torch of democracy in Asia.”

Nothing earthshaking if we go by the official reports. Nothing that could not have been achieved through the usual diplomatic channels or even videoconferencing. In fact, Malacanang claims that through the latter device, Mrs. Arroyo has managed to be “hands on” in the relief and rescue operations while being thousands of miles away.

[Read on]

Mosaic meme

A mosaic that sort of describes me:




If you want to play, here are the Rules:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name.


Taken from elle phd.

World War II

Not sure why, but we have been immersed of late in stories of World War II in Europe:

• We have been going through the first four seasons of Foyle's War (2002-) on DVD. PBS shows it occasionally, and it is a great series about a British police detective catching bad guys at home with the war as looming backdrop.
• We also recently watched Enemy at the Gates (2001), based on the true story of a Russian sniper in Stalingrad during the Nazi invasion.
• Then I realized that this past week's issue of Newsweek has two big articles on WWII, the first on Churchill and the second a scathing review of Pat Buchanan's new (and apparently very biased) book about WWII as an "unnecessary" war.

Since I never took European history in high school or college, a lot of the details were new to me. I should note that we also recently watched Clint Eastwood's Flags of Our Fathers (2006) and Letters from Iwo Jima (2006). And, for dissertation purposes, I re-watched Markova: Comfort Gay (2000), which is about the sexual abuse of queer Filipino men by Japanese soldiers during the Japanese Occupation of the Philippines in WWII.

I have learned a lot, but I have to admit that I am feeling overloaded by watching so many war films at one time. The realism -- i.e., blood and gore -- is part of it. The in-your-face violence is incidentally very different from the old-school WWII films (with John Wayne and such) that I am "reading" for my dissertation.

Why I'm not voting for a Clinton this time

I think a lot of people have been looking at the Democratic primary as either voting pro-women or voting pro-people of color. This dichotomy is of course ridiculous as it suggests that all women are white and all people of color are men. While at first the choice between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama was a difficult one for me since their proposed policies are so similar, it has become increasingly clear why Barack Obama is my candidate for President: he cares more than Clinton or McCain about everyone, men and women, of all races. (And I have to admit, I am voting for Barack Obama in part because Michelle Obama will be going to the White House too.)

Barbara Ehrenreich's latest blog essay just encapsulated how I feel about Hillary Clinton's politics and confirms why my not voting for her racist ass does not mean that I am anti-feminist or anti-women. A couple of excerpts that might not be as effective taken out of context but that I like (and in any case you should read the essay in its entirety -- it's relatively short):

Surely no one will ever dare argue that women lack the temperament for political combat. But by running a racially-tinged campaign, lying about her foreign policy experience, and repeatedly seeming to favor McCain over her Democratic opponent, Clinton didn’t just break through the “glass floor,” she set a new low for floors in general, and would, if she could have got within arm’s reach, have rubbed the broken glass into Obama’s face.

[snip]

It’s important –even kind of exhilarating – for women to embrace their inner bitch, but the point should be to expand our sense of human possibility, not to enshrine aggression as a virtue. Women can behave like the warrior queen Boadicea, credited with slaughtering 70,000, many of them civilians, or like Margaret Thatcher, who attempted to dismantle the British welfare state. Men, for their part, are free to take as their role models the pacifist leaders Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi. Biology conditions us in all kinds of ways we might not even be aware of yet. But virtue is always a choice.

That's right: virtue is a choice, and Hillary Clinton has been choosing poorly for a while now, and that is why she is not my candidate for President.

I Am Legend, some impressions

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write about this, but I could not get I Am Legend out of my head after we watched it one night last week. I tried to go to sleep but ended up staring at the ceiling, and then I started crying when I thought of how lonely Will Smith's character was. I stayed awake while the baby slept until the wee hours, and for a sleep-deprived new mother this was no small thing.

Despite the stock CGI vampire-zombies, the film (based on a book I haven't yet read) is really about loneliness. I think it is pretty amazing that Smith was able to convey such quiet desperation while also doing his action-star thing, i.e. confronting, killing, and trying to find a cure for the crazed cannibals who used to be human. I should confess here that I am one of those people who will watch a Will Smith movie just because it's Will Smith, the same way I watch Keanu Reeves films -- they are guilty pleasures even if the films are not so good (Constantine, anyone?). But I have been very impressed with Smith's acting lately (viz. The Pursuit of Happyness), and his portrayal of Dr. Robert Neville in I Am Legend broke my heart, even with the lame vampire-zombies swarming all over the last part of the film. His interaction with non-humans in the film -- the faithful dog, the mannequins that he has apparently set up at the video rental store in order to have "people" to say hello to everyday -- could easily have come off as cute staginess, but he tread so convincingly the line between pathetic and dignified that my initial wince of amusement dipped into a grave understanding of and empathy for his relentless adherence to a regular daily schedule and to the seemingly futile attempts to find a cure and to make contact with any uninfected survivors. When he is forced to kill Sam the dog with his bare hands after she has been infected, the look on his face is incredible -- a combination of determination, agony, and a recognition that he is killing his last remaining living companion, that he is now completely and utterly alone in the world.

It is a different kind of sci-fi/action film for Smith -- unlike I, Robot, Independence Day, or the Men in Black films, it doesn't end happily for the hero: he doesn't survive (he basically sacrifices himself in order to save the rest of the human race, where usually he doesn't have to die to save the world) because he has nothing left to live for (his wife and child are already dead and he isn't interested in playing house with the much younger attractive female character who saves him from a suicide mission and the young boy who travels with her). When the film first came out last year, friends told me that they didn't like it very much, and I didn't ask for an explanation. I thought it was I, Robot done badly or something. But I think now that it may have been the foiled expectations of what a Will Smith action film is supposed to be. This was more than what the usual horror film or action film usually delivers, with its eerie blend of quiet and fireworks. I can't say that it is one of my favorite films; it is almost too unrelentingly sad despite the fact that the human race is ultimately saved (yay for us), but it is haunting and powerful in its way.

I just had to

It's a Harry Potter quiz!


Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.


Link via Bec.

Bertday

Dudes. I turn the big 3-0 today. I had a little family party yesterday, something similar to last year's event but not quite as outdoorsy or as well-documented. There is only one photo of the lot from yesterday and it doesn't even include all the guests or the gorgeous chocolate cake my mother-in-law made. The reason (in case you hadn't already guessed): almost all photographic effort went towards the real guest of honor, baby BG, who turns 7 weeks today himself. Strangely enough I do not have those photos of him, but here is the lone photo of some of the party goers and the table spread -- I got it "catered" by Baja Fresh, yum.



To make up for the lack of BG photos at his (mother's) party, here is a photo of him and his mater at her alma mater:

Birth announcement

I know it's been a long time. I don't want people to think that I didn't survive the birth (!), so here is the birth announcement of my beautiful wee babe:

Baby BG was born at 7:15 pm on March 3, weighing in at a whopping 7 lbs 15 oz and measuring 21.5 in (so much for the doctors scaring me with IUGR, ugh). He barely looked like an infant when he came out because he had more fat under his skin than most newborns (thanks to my hearty appetite during pregnancy, I believe) and because he came out with a full head of black hair (thanks to my genes). Unfortunately the whole birth process took a long time and I had some complications (induction seriously sucks and I guess my body wasn't ready even a week after his supposed due date), but I am happy to report that I managed to avoid a c-section, and, after today's 6-week postpartum exam, am officially fully recovered.

At the hospital:



Five days old (love those caterpillar arms):


Ten days old ("Oh no, I'm losing my hair!"):


Two weeks ("Oh no, I'm losing even more hair..."):


Three weeks ("Whatchoo lookin' at, Willis?"):


Four weeks (this photo should be horizontal):


Five weeks (my little froggie):


Six weeks (onesie designed by NC...I still have to make him onesies of the other three Houses):


BG is now more than four pounds over his birth weight and gaining steadily. He loves to eat and doesn't care if I get any sleep. At least I am able to get lots of fun reading done while breastfeeding, even in the super early hours. Both of his grandmothers like to hog him when they visit, and they try to visit as often as we allow. They are waiting until I am more comfortable leaving him with babysitters so that they can spoil him to their hearts' content.

Passive labor rocks

I simply had to do a (modified) victory dance today when the doctor told me that I am now 3 cm dilated. Effacement and station are still the same, but hearing that I had gained 2 cm in a week without real contractions felt pretty good. Passive labor rocks: it gives him time to fully cook in there while (hopefully) shortening my active labor. The doctor seemed to think that I would give birth within a week -- my due date is in three days -- but just in case they have put together the paperwork to schedule an induction in early March. I have resigned myself to this possibility as it would be best for us if the baby didn't get too big to fit through the birth canal (which would necessitate a c-section for sure). Also, I didn't hear a word today about possible preeclampsia. Overall a good report.

Conference: Campus Lockdown

This looks like it will rock. You should go if you're in the area! (And then tell us about it!)

Campus Lockdown:
Women of Color Negotiating the Academic Industrial Complex

DATE: Saturday, March 15, 2008
TIME: 10:30am - 5:00pm
LOCATION: University Club, Michigan Union, Ann Arbor, MI

Contact Info
Email: info@woclockdown.org

The Campus Lockdown conference will center women of color in the academic industrial complex. We will consider its structural constraints, as well as the implications of our scholarship. Please register by 2.29.2008.

For more information & to register online, please visit www.woclockdown.org

Conference at a glance:

Speakers:
Piya Chatterjee, University of California, Riverside
Angela Davis, University of California, Santa Cruz (via teleconference)
Rosa Linda Fregoso, University of Southern California
Ruthie Gilmore, University of Southern California
Fred Moten, Duke University
Clarissa Rojas, San Francisco State University
Haunani-Kay Trask, University of Hawai'i

Schedule:
10:30 am - 12 noon:
Panel I: Women of Color in the Academic Industrial Complex
12 noon - 1:30 pm:
Lunch (on your own)
1:30 - 3:30:
Panel II: Why Women of Color Scholarship?
Social Justice, Ethnic Studies, and Women’s Studies
3:45 - 5:00:
Closing Event

(Thanks mdrew for the tip.)

Cat, LOL

For all you cat owners. We laughed like crazy at this. And check out the details on the bed and the cat toys strewn all over the floor.

Still cooking

I had a "special" ultrasound on Monday, and the official word is that the little one is NOT too small. He is in fact now in the 52nd percentile of American averages, in which, of course, many Asian-descent babies will not register high. I was a little freaked out that he is currently estimated at over 7 lbs (and still growing), but of course the margin of error of weight estimates based on ultrasound can be +/- 2 lbs. (I doubt he is 9 lbs, but if he were smaller than 7 I would still be happy.) However, I still need to keep going in for twice-weekly NSTs. My blood pressure started to rise a bit this past week and a half, though not to hypertension levels, so now I need to be on the lookout for preeclampsia, which can be dangerous but can be cured by delivering the baby. To be honest, the dh and I are getting a little exasperated. If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm due in about nine days, and while we take this news seriously, we've become a bit skeptical of the doctors. It would have been more helpful for the doctor to suggest some things I can do to keep my blood pressure low instead of prescribing more NSTs, rather than just scaring me and telling me which symptoms necessitate going to the hospital. I feel like I've had to do all the research on how to be proactive about these things, whereas the doctors are just being reactive and test-happy (they don't even interpret the test results most of the time); while NSTs can be seen as being proactive, in this case it seems like drinking more water, taking in less salt, and keeping a daily log of my blood pressure results would be more helpful?

Also, I am still in the same condition I was last week -- same dilation, effacement, and station. Whereas last week I was worried about giving birth too early (even if the baby was already considered full-term), now I am wondering if I will have to be induced. As a rule, they will induce one week after the due date, which is in early March, but I would much prefer to start the process on my own. There is something to be said for trusting one's body.

4 Barack

"20 minutes or so on why I am 4Barack": video by law professor Lawrence Lessig.

Just reading the transcript made my heart beat faster. I hope the momentum continues to gather.


(Via Prof Zero)

Insomnia strikes again, so an update

Even though I had a very long day with the Saturday childbirth class and shopping afterwards, I could only nap for about three hours. My mind is awhirl with the forthcoming labor. While my due date is in a little over two weeks, it could happen anytime now according to my doctor (well, one of them, the one who examined me); as of Thursday, I was dilated 1 cm and already 70% effaced. I found out at the class that I am one of the lucky ones, as I have started the process without painful contractions; let's hope it keeps going that way for a while longer! After getting home from the class, I passed the mucous plug, which may have been partly dislodged by some of the pushing and breathing exercises we did throughout the day (and man, the baby was really kicking and elbowing around in there the whole time; I guess he was high on all of the oxygen from the concentrated relaxation breathing I was doing). While I would like to get through at least one more week before giving birth, we are basically ready for the baby's arrival in practical terms: the bassinet and crib are set up, clothes and blankets and bibs are washed and folded, and the infant car seat base is set to go in my car once the dh wakes up today. I have put together almost everything that I will be taking to the hospital with me, including the baby's take-home outfit, and I can finish packing when early labor starts. We haven't had a lot of time to practice the breathing and relaxation techniques, but I seem to have no problem putting my body into a relaxation state almost immediately, a skill learned and apparently remembered during my high-school athlete days. On a side note, this is one of the things I have been thinking about -- the possibility that the intense experience of being a competitive weightlifter might in some ways be similar to undergoing the pains of birth, during which my body will be producing endorphins to help take the edge off the pain -- although who knows what true labor contractions will do to me? The dh also seemed a lot more confident about his role in the birth and told me in so many words that he was eager to take care of the baby and me, and indeed he has been wonderful these past weeks and at the classes we have attended. So, emotionally, we are almost ready as well. The Saturday childbirth class reinforced some of the things we knew and laid out for us in depth the different stages of labor and what to expect at the hospital. And, because we were the couple with the soonest due date (everyone else was more sensibly in the mid-30-week mark or earlier), we put a lot of effort into learning the exercises and listening and watching diligently. (We're also a couple of nerds and usually pay attention in our classes anyway.)

Still around

...and still pregnant. I have about three weeks left till the due date, although of course who knows when he'll decide he wants out? Last week ended up being a pretty unfortunate one, with an accumulation of events that took my mind off the baby and my work and that cost time and money (that tax refund would be helpful about now), but I won't go into that. Here, instead, are some updates on the top priority in my life right now, the pregnancy:

The 2nd baby shower is done (as of 1.5 weeks ago), and although it was really for the future lola (i.e., my mom) and the memory of my dad, we're grateful for the generosity of my parents' friends. They're really loved and esteemed by their colleagues, which was heartening to see. What with two baby showers, this has got to be one of the most well-equipped babies ever.

We finally bit the bullet and got a camcorder. Well, aren't we the typical middle-class first-time parents? We figured our siblings who live in different states and parts of California would appreciate some videos, as would the grandparents and our future selves, i.e., for posterity.

My NSTs (see here for the rant) have been fine, although there was some extra concern two Mondays ago that got us sent for further testing -- a biophysical profile or BPP -- which the baby passed with flying colors; if he hadn't they wouldn't have let us leave the hospital. He was just sleepy at the wrong time, apparently. Ugh. I am now more than irritated with this micro-management of the pregnancy which is accompanied ironically by cursory face-to-face interactions with the doctors; I wonder, if they spent more time with me and talked in detail with me about how I was doing in addition to looking at ultrasound and other test results, would they hesitate to prescribe these tests? It is all making me suspect that the doctors are building up to pressure me into getting a C-section (which I DO NOT want and will resist unless they convince me it's "medically necessary"). Also, I get passed between two different doctors who don't always agree on the next course of action; I would appreciate not getting mixed messages. Wouldn't anyone, especially about health and medical issues? In any case, during the BPP I did learn several things of interest to me:

1. I actually have been having those Braxton-Hicks contractions that help tone the uterine muscle for the real thing, but which I have been attributing to either the baby moving or general pregnancy sensations related to bones and ligaments shifting and softening and muscles doing their thing. It's funny, but once the RN showed me on the monitor the points (the hills) at which I was having the contractions, I could actually match them to what I was feeling and LEARN what was happening to my body. I have friends who found their B-H contractions pretty painful or otherwise noticeable, so I had assumed I wasn't having any.
2. The RN told me the things one should look for in these NSTs, which was helpful to know as no one had bothered to tell me besides a) movement and b) heart rate between 120-160. In fact, they look for more specific things, like, with movement, the line on the strip/chart should clearly be a mountain, meaning that when the baby moves, his heart rate should increase to the 160s and above and then quickly descend into normal range. They want a certain number of these mountains every 10-15 minutes or so.
3. The baby actually practices breathing in there by inhaling amniotic fluid (maybe that's why he gets hiccups everyday?). On the ultrasound screen, it really looked like he was breathing -- he even yawned once while I was watching -- even though of course there is no air in there. It was pretty cool.
4. As of two Mondays ago, I was not dilated at all. I'll get another update later this week.

Yesterday, his NST was perfect and took only 20 minutes because I woke him up by drinking cold water beforehand, as suggested to me by a nurse (and in fact, the RN for the BPP gave me cold water while I was doing the extended NST). This makes me wonder, though, if professionals can't distinguish between a weak/distressed baby and a sleepy baby, then what is the point of the NSTs? Or perhaps, why don't they hand out cold water or juice to the pregnant woman before every NST to standardize each outcome?

Finally, this evening, the dh and I went to our first childbirth class. We have three more weeks to go in the course, but we might not make it the last one because it falls right after my due date. We hedged our bets by signing up for a one-day childbirth class this Saturday, so hopefully we will be fine if the baby comes earlier than expected. In any case, my mind has eased somewhat after going to this class tonight. I learned some breathing (not Lamaze) techniques that seem like they will be helpful. The teacher/doula emphasized that natural (i.e., unmedicated) childbirth is very possible, and that we could help shorten the really painful part of labor if we made sure to learn how to relax through the contractions, to try to make each contraction productive by sitting on a birthing ball or just not being horizontal, and to not freak out and go to the hospital too early as it is much easier to relax at home, in familiar surroundings. I was glad to know that she advocated natural vaginal birth over C-section, since she has had both types. At the same time, if I do have to have a C-section, I know that it is manageable (and I will have extra help anyway in the first month or so because of our parents). I was also relieved that the dh was getting pointers on how to be my labor partner during the labor process. I hadn't realized that I was worried over how differently he and I have been going about educating ourselves about pregnancy. Taking this class together alleviated some of that worry.

Shower Pix

Upon request, I am sharing some shareable photos of the baby party/shower from a week and a half ago. The party was co-ed, and it was attended by our family in Long Beach as well as friends from L.A., Orange County, and our local area. Despite the fact that I wasn't supposed to do a lot of planning and executing, it was exhausting for me, in part because of third-trimester insomnia and because people were gathered at my house, but I had a great time. My sisters, my brother, and my brother's girlfriend did a really great job organizing the food and games, making sure that there were different games with different rhythms so that people could eat, mingle, and move around instead of being marshaled from one activity to another. My mother and parents-in-law did a lot of the work, too, as did other family and friends who pitched in. The warm vibes being passed around all afternoon were lovely.

This is the huge, two-layer chocolate and yellow cake that my mother-in-law made and decorated herself for dessert. It was excellent. Yum.


The spread, with the entrées (pancit palabok, meat and veggie lasagnas that my older sister made, chicken breasts with artichokes in tomato sauce that my younger sister made) bracketed by the sugary desserts on one side and cocktail shrimp and fruits on the other.


The guests playing the games, co-ed style. (The dh and I didn't play any, of course, but they looked fun.)


Some of the li'l ones at the party.


One of my favorite parts -- the onesies that people decorated with cloth markers and iron-on appliqués, here displayed as a gallery at the end of the shower.

Ticking it off one by one

I read my list of things to do from the last post, and, today, a little over two weeks later, I find that I am almost done with it. Excellent. The hospital tour was very informative and reassuring; my laptop is back, with new hard drive and no data lost, and all free under extended warranty; the co-ed baby shower/party went very well despite the typical snags of large parties, and I was really gratified by the support and love from family and friends; the essay review was turned in today (almost late, of course); and my doctor's appointments are being met with diligence. We even took a breast feeding class somewhere in there. We just have the shower my mother is throwing this weekend, and then the next big to-do for the baby is in early February (childbirth classes).

The only thing with the doctor's appointments is that I have even more now because one of my doctors is worried that the baby is a little small for dates and so wants to monitor him more closely from now on. But, um, hello, I am a small person, and I myself was less than 6 pounds at birth. I'm not sure why they're expecting a 7-pound baby to come out of me (although I've certainly gained enough weight over the past 7-8 months to warrant it!). Nevertheless, they have asked me to come in for twice-weekly non-stress tests (NSTs) to make sure that the baby's heartbeat is not weak and that he is moving around in there (he's definitely moving around in there -- and kicking, and elbowing, and wiggling, and hiccuping). I am sure this is just to cover their legal asses, but not only did it freak me out to hear that there might be a problem (OMG, could it be IUGR?! Could the baby be STARVING in there?! Is there something wrong with my placenta?!), it is quite inconvenient to go to the doctor's office twice a week. I am actually waddling at this point, and feel the urge to go to the bathroom most strongly when I am walking around, so having to get out of the house to do errands is definitely not high on my list of favorite things to do right now. My first NST was two days ago, and, as I expected, no problems. In fact, the baby was moving around so much that he dislodged the heart rate monitor in order to get away from it. Hah! A kid after my own heart already.

In any case, I just have to keep this up and hope that the baby doesn't decide he wants out NOW. I have 5 weeks left, more like 4+ weeks, and I hope he stays there to "cook" for as long as possible.

New year

January will be -- is -- a very busy month for me. Let's see: doctor's appointments, hospital tour, baby showers (yes, plural, because my Filipino mom has to have one for HER friends), baby room set-up, laptop repair, essay review, and last but not least, a memo/response to my prospectus meeting last month. No resolutions here, except to complete as much of this list as I can without fainting from exhaustion.

The most vexing and pressing at the moment is probably the laptop problem since it sideswiped me, though it's actually just the hard drive. I seem to have bad hard drive karma. The hard drive on my last laptop also failed after almost exactly two years. And I am terrible about backing up my files except for school stuff. But I do hate to lose digital photos and music files as most of the former can't be replaced and the latter is a pain to replace. I also dislike losing old e-mails and bookmarks. I am glad to have purchased a three-year warranty, but the amount of time and energy it takes to deal with the problem frustrates me. I am currently sharing the dh's computer, which is not customized for me and which is not a Mac, so I have been feeling quite unmoored, even, shall I say, a little rejected by technology. It is amazing and somewhat alarming to realize the true extent of my reliance on my little PowerBook; not only do I do most of my academic work on the computer and communicate with the outside world largely through e-mail, but I also keep my daily schedule and satisfy my entertainment needs on the computer. It's just too bad that computers and especially hard drives are not the most reliable things in the world.

In other news, I am now about 7 weeks away from my due date, which seems both far away and too soon. Although I didn't gain as much weight last month as I thought I would, I have ballooned even more, all swelled up and retaining water. (You should see my ankles. Gah!) It is getting harder and harder to squat, bend, and even stay in one position for extended periods of time, including to sleep. I have started to really think about what "labor and delivery" means, but we won't be able to take childbirth classes until next month -- I know, why are we waiting so long?...well, a number of factors made it impossible to schedule; I just hope we get enough information before this baby drops.

Anyway, I hope you all had a restful and merry holiday season and are having a good new year so far!

Holidaze

Miss Fritzie asked that I put up photos of my holidaze like I did last year, but for some reason we didn't take any pictures of the Xmas dinner at our house. However, here is a picture of our tree soon after it was trimmed (but before we vacuumed up the needles that were shaken loose while we were hanging the ornaments):



A little sad, isn't it, with no presents underneath and too much bright light. Well, to make up for the lack of party pictures, here are some photos of our recent, successful home-improvement project: transforming the embarrassingly messy room-where-we-throw-everything-we-don't-know-where-to-put into a room fit for a baby. This was a project we should have tackled months ago, when I would have been able to actually help with the painting and other manual labor. Thankfully, my parents-in-law, who are experts in painting rooms and general handiness, offered to make the long drive over and dramatically shorten the time needed to paint over the garish two-tone pink walls with a double coating of "Icy Mint" color that I love (though can I just say, paint is shockingly expensive). They and the dh did an incredible job, and I am super-happy about the results, albeit a bit guilty about not being much help.

So you can see what we were up against, here are:

THE BEFORES

Taken shortly after we bought the house in November 2006, when the room was still completely empty; we definitely had it in mind to repaint the room when we got the place, but we didn't have the time or even a real idea of what to make of it before we had to move in all our stuff

Taken earlier this month, with Stella the cat posing among the dh's model airplanes, random boxes, wires, books, and miscellaneous crap on every available surface; this is just a small sample -- basically, the entire room had been like this for a whole year

THE AFTERS (I love these)

Taken while the paint was still drying on Thursday, with Stella once again posing (though she was more interested in the late-afternoon sunlight than anything else)

Taken this afternoon, after the old furniture was put back into the room and the crib and changing table were set up

A different angle of the room, with the bookcase still empty

Here you get a better look at the "Icy Mint" color -- ain't it purty?

We kept the cloudy sky mural on the ceiling; it turns into a glow-in-the-dark starry night when it's dark, and it was what helped us overlook the crazy-Barbie-pink color of the walls in the first place

Spicy me

I guess I'm not crazy a(f)t(er) all. But apparently I stink! At least I love myself. Yum.

Your Score: Garlic

I scored 50% intoxication, 75% hotness, 75% complexity, and 0% craziness!

You are Garlic!

No offence, but you stink. Pretty much everyone loves you, though. You're smart and pretty hot and you fit in with about any culture. You're a total cut-up; in fact, the more cut-up you get, the hotter you become. But be careful, when you get embarrassed, you turn really sweet.

The Which Spice Are You Test

Found via Professor Zero

Hello December

I have been away from this blog so long that I feel like a stranger here. I haven't been gone because I've been buried in work. In fact, I spend way too much time doing crosswords, both online and on paper. This is the way I deal with stress. Last year, when studying for the qualifying exams, I got addicted to sudoku. I had a book and would play for hours on end. I can't do that with crosswords, since I don't have a book, but I still manage to play four or five different ones a day. At least crosswords aren't as mindless as sudoku. And I do manage to get things done throughout the day.

So, the stress. This semester has been more about fellowship applications and honing my dissertation proposal than about researching and reading. I haven't had to apply for funding in several years, so I was quite rusty this time around. Also, this is sort of a big week for me. I am having my prospectus meeting this Friday; it is not a defense the way that last year's oral/qualifying exam was, but it is still causing me stress. I have gotten quite a bit of feedback on my dissertation proposal already, much of it at a workshop a couple of weeks ago that was both stressful and helpful (which I wrote about here), but of course the upcoming meeting will be with my dissertation committee, i.e., the four professors who will be signing off on the dissertation in a couple of years (hopefully). It does not help that I have to travel for this. While the dh will be driving me this time so that I won't have to deal with airports and numerous arbitrary regulations, we still have to worry about leaving Stella the cat alone for a couple of days. Our local friend won't be able to check in on Stella because her daughter got sick just today.

Yesterday, I found out that I am anemic and will have to take iron supplements. From what I read, this is not uncommon in pregnancy, especially during the third trimester. Taking an extra pill a day doesn't faze me, but it seems like the first of further discomforts to come in the next two and a half months. I am reminded of how swollen my legs and ankles were when I arrived home from the airport after the workshop. It was a bit scary, as if my whole legs had been replaced by meaty haunches of ham. Or something that basically felt foreign on my body. They looked like clubs. The swelling thankfully went down after a good night's rest, but last week, my doctor told me to expect a lot more swelling and backaches (for which I cannot go to a chiropractor).

At the same time, though, I am getting more and more excited about the baby as his due date draws nearer. Once this prospectus meeting is over and we have returned home, we can focus on the holiday season -- set up a tree, put up photos on the family room walls, go to the Disney Concert Hall for the Holiday Sing-Along with the L.A. Philharmonic, have family over for dinner, exchange presents, etc. We're also planning to (finally) fix up the baby room, which will include painting over the bright pink walls of one of our bedrooms with a cool mint-green. We already have the crib, thanks to my mother-in-law, but it is sitting in the living/dining area because the pink room is still a mess of books and furniture that wouldn't fit anywhere else when we first moved in. I have been slowly putting those books in plastic Sterilite boxes for storage in the garage. Next week I hope to gather some momentum in prepping the house for both holiday and baby.

Finally, I'll leave with a couple of links to blog posts that I found interesting reading:

• Reflections of a tenured female academic on the "choices, consequences, constraints" that she had to deal with when she decided to have and raise children (H/T Liz) -- this is something that really speaks to me as I look forward to an academic career with children


• At a different end of the scale, Joanne's frustration at being taken for granted by family because she is an academic who is unmarried (and doesn't have children), despite being successful -- notice how the similarities in both these situations stem from their being women; I don't believe men who choose academic careers get as taken for granted by their families as do women